stay with me..

Oh this is actually beyond hard at times. How many times a day do I have to go through the same motions of denials?!!

Yes its bit better in a sense that I have already given myself so much hard time with with all the denials and got damn putting up with it that suddenly going back is simply too much cost to pay for all this for nothing! I mean I can fill half o t his page with the wonderful words that come to mind when describing the bloody craving nonsense I am putting up with.

Nevertheless, This time there just no going back. Indeed after stopping you do gradually feel better that you do start loosing the memory of how bad you felt when you smoked so much. So it does get a bit more challenging, but if you have smoked long enough I just know you suffered long enough one way or the other that you got to rememember why all this!

So much for psychotherapy message, life goes on, its extremely warm day in Seattle, almost feels like walking naked is the best option given this town does not have any A/C anywhere! Even in the restaurant today, it was just simply f*U** HOTTTTTTT….

I dont seem to quit quitting!

It has been six months since that day in January, and today I am again on the cusp of three day peak of my another attempt.

It has been just about three days since my last smoke. Of course if you have done this, its just f** crazy to get through this. On first day cravings were so bad I absolutely got drunk, but I have done this before, I just know for quit to sustain, I cant trade it with alcohol. At some point I have to let my brain go through those denials. Eventually system will let go.. or so I got damn hope!

It feels nuts doing this just on your own cod turkey and I am almost afraid my sub conscious can sometimes take over. I was at work in middle of a conf call when disaster struck today. Just so happens I open one of the cabinet drawers ( I have this cant stay still on a boring conf call syndrome) and there it was, a pack of my great ultra lights! For few minutes I phased out, I mean immediately the “Other” part of my brain launched a craving attack, I knew if I will spend even few minutes staring at these , there goes three days of withdrawal madness. As soon as call finished, I immediately ran to kitchen, had the smokes run through gush of tap water and in to trash.

But this refraining from drinking at least in first week seems to be the challenging part.. I have nothing to fall back to today evening as I stare at TV on a warm summer night (rather a RARE damn warm summer night this year) in seattle with the glitter of beautiful moon light sprinkled through the sprawl of the lake. But I stay put and hopefully I will get through.. in the hopes of better days..

then again I try..

I am starting this little diary today, because there is something rather special about today.

Its far from exciting for you to read, but undoubtedly could have huge impact on my life. I am quitting smoking today, like any smoker yes I have tried many times before. I’d say about 2-3 times sincerely from recent memory. I was actually about 2 weeks nicotine free in one of the attempts, yes I actually could – just on my own accord. But then I slipped out of nowhere and started again. That was a year ago. Here I am today, a smokoholic, a chain smoker. Yes I stink of smoke, at work yes I am member of the community which goes out of the building every few hours at the smoking pit to keep up their nicotine levels. 13 to 15 of these little highs of the day, bad day, crazy meeting, have nothing to do today, shit happened – well there is (rather should I say was) a cigeratte. My longtime companion, I have a quite relationship with you second none to no other than the woman I knew once in her glory. It is going to be very hard for us to part ways.

But then again, I am not to be for you, it has happened before with me and with you. You with all your grace to the calling for the dead is just … let go.. Did someone tell me I lost my Determination somewhere like my last pair of slippers! .. well time has changed I will have to find it .. “Cold Turley” baby…